There are different types of relationships, different types of showing love. Monogamy, polygamy, couples who know their partner’s lovers, people who don’t know how to let go, love between friends, friends who stay together after being a couple, divorced friends and others who don’t speak to each other and hate each other.
I haven’t had that many love relationships, I’ll count three. A lot of situationships. I don’t even count my first love relationship because they were naive kisses when we were young and we didn’t last very long, he was a year older than me and to this day we are still friends. Today I thought about love and I want to vent about it, I think it’s the first time I’ve made a formal entry about this subject. Well, it turns out that my second (or first formal relationship) that I’ve had has gone through many stages. I met him when I was fourteen, we formalized it when I was sixteen and when I was nineteen we left everything. It was hard to let go. We went through the stage of fervent love, dedicated songs, letters, moments, meals with the family, handmade gifts, we considered each other our first mutual love that would last forever. We almost projected ourselves in another country living together, but love does not last forever, but we did talk about it and we actually said that our love did not go away, it simply changes, evolves, transforms. Being young and having eating problems and depression, I had a very avoidant way of loving, I felt that I did not deserve love and I always looked for excuses to be alone and for him to leave me. He suffered but he accompanied me in all my processes. There were moments where all the memories were very strong and for that reason I did not want to see him on any social network or have contact. Maybe this is very personal, but as I did not know what I wanted I proposed to be friends with benefits but he wanted to be my boyfriend. No grays. Black or white. It did not work. And we stopped talking, sometimes we would chat sporadically but we weren’t close because we knew that if we talked again we would be a couple again or something like that. This year due to my poor health and my hospitalization in the clinic, I had my moments of reflection and crafts with occupational therapists. I looked for a way to heal as I know it best, so I wrote letters. I only wrote to my family, I gave only a few and the only person outside of my family was my first love.
When I got to the city I told him, we were already friends anyway, we followed each other on instagram and I told him that if he wanted I could pass the letter to him. He worried about my health, he wanted to see me so we met at our old place, a park where we had our first kisses and that kind of thing. Then we had tea at mom’s house, he saw her and my little brother (he always loved him a lot because they played together). We talked about life and sat in the garden. Out of inertia and memories, he almost placed his hand next to mine until he realized and removed it. Then we walked away and he went home. I found out that he had a girlfriend or something like that, I didn’t understand if it was serious but I didn’t feel anything other than friendship and affection for what we had experienced. About a month and a half ago, I answered a story about a poem he had written and he didn’t answer me immediately, normally. The next day he did. And a few weeks later he spoke to me saying that he had made a mistake. He hid from his partner or whatever that we had seen each other because he was afraid that when he told her she wouldn’t like it, and it seemed important to him to see me. He hid it from her and told her the truth when the message I had sent in response to his story had reached him when he was with her, to which she asked about me and he began to tell her that we were friends. She felt so bad and insecure that she got upset and he asked me for forgiveness, saying that he didn’t agree but that he had to do it. He finally blocked me on Instagram and now we have no contact whatsoever. It didn’t bother me, I was even able to understand the situation but with my ex we had finally reached that part of friendship where we could make jokes, send each other a meme or two, greet each other on birthdays etc. That’s a story I wanted to tell. My second ex, this year… it was a chaotic, quick relationship and as fast as it came, it went away as quickly. Honestly, I don’t want to go into it too much, because I’ve commented on it in other posts, about my reflections on that. But we ended well, from time to time we kept talking. He left some clothes at my house, things like that. Recently we talked and met in person in a park. He was blond, with more tattoos. A hug led to kisses but we both agreed not to go back. We kept chatting and he told me he was going to tattoo me for free. Two or three days ago I was on WhatsApp checking conversations, I came across his, I admit I had left it on read. The funny thing is that I couldn’t see his profile picture of his pet or his status. So I sent a message to see… blocked.
Which led me to think that my two exes have blocked me. Am I the problem?
Of course I dismissed the idea right away. I preferred to move on with my life and not question myself (so much). Both were good relationships, although I admit that after the kiss and the messages it seemed strange to me, but there wasn’t much to do other than accept it and move on. With my first ex, a childhood sweetheart so to speak, we continue to this day talking, hanging out, and everything as friends. Sometimes a flirtation that doesn’t go beyond that… one time we ate at a Mexican restaurant, one time we went to a coffee shop, we went to a place where they sell household items. Recently I sent him a meme that said ‘we all have that ex that we can’t let go of’ and we laughed about it. I don’t know if friendship with an ex is the healthiest thing, but it’s not bad either. I don’t know what perspective I could give about this subject because clearly I don’t have communication with the two main ones. But I also think that zero contact helps a lot. And all of this led me to think about love and what I want in my life regarding that. Honestly, I have no intentions of falling in love so I can focus on other things but if it comes naturally I wouldn’t mind. But now, my whole family bullied me for the change in my eyebrows that I made (they are thin like Angelina Jolie’s eyebrows in the 90s) and then I questioned myself ‘what if no one likes me physically like that’? or ‘the person who wants to meet me and likes me has to like me with my new look’. For example, I agreed to see someone that I haven’t seen for months and I have no idea how he’s going to react to that. But we’ll see in time.
Oh how I wish everything were love and rainbows, but the truth is that not all of us can live together and even less for the rest of our life’s. Many times we have to accept that we only have the company of people for an unlimited time. And that’s okay.
